I Love You

I walked into my room, throwing away my bag and my ankle boots. I opened my cup board and look trough the mirror hanging inside. I saw a beautiful girl, with pink lipstick, natural colored powder, light pink blush on, brown eyebrow, mascara, eye liner, pink eye shadow. How beautiful she is with that make up. Everybody admired her beauty. Every man would fall in love with her at the first sight. But then, she remembered. A girl. She wore no makeup. She didn’t know how to wear any makeup. But still, you can see her beauty.

I looked inside the cupboard, seeing all of her clothes. From genuine to fabulous. From skirt to hot pants. From gown to tank top. Everything looked stunning when I wear it. Every eyes will look at me when I walk in the crowd, they will say,“ Look how beautiful she is.” or ”My, that suits you perfectly.”. I can walk proudly with it. Then again, I remembered. The same girl. She only wore t-shirt and jeans, but she can walk confidently, doesn’t really care about what other people said about her outfit.

I touched my hair. How smooth it is. I would die if I have to go when I’m having a BHD. Spending a whole day in salon was not a big deal for me. Dye it, curl it, smooth it, ironing it, ion-ing it, I’ll do whatever it takes to make it beautiful. Bob, straight, curly, blonde, brunette, everything I tried to see which one suits me the best. Then again, I remembered the same girl. She never did anything on her hair. Shampoo and conditioner is the only thing that ever touched her hair. But, she is really confident with her ponytail.

I looked at my perfume bottles. Every smell for every different occasion. Flowers, fruits, woods, sea, air, coffee, green tea, spices, I have like every smell in the world. Use it and people will notice me. Once again, I remembered the same girl. She only used deodorant. But she feels comfortable with it.

I smoke, I drink. Everything needed to be “socialized”. Hanging out with friends, clubbing, drinking liquor is already part of my lifestyle. Every weekend, clubbing is a must, don’t care what my problems are, as long as I have my cigar, couple drinks, and fast beat music, everything will be all right. Once again, that girl came to my mind. She didn’t need any cigar or liquor to be “socialized”.


I walked into the bathroom, open the water tap and let the water running from the shower. I let the water fell on my face. I cried. I’m hardly recognized who I am right now. I was that girl.

A smart independent girl.

Never feel insecure.

Live the life to the max.

Long I stayed under the shower. Regretting every single thing that I have done. Being like stupid bitch. Hooked up on every cute and hot guy. I don’t know since when I have changed into bitch like now. I moved from little town in the middle of nowhere. I moved to change my life. But this is not the changes that I expected. I walked and see the reflection on myself at the mirror once again.

PRANG!!

I broke the mirror. Smash it into pieces. Cried more loudly. I can’t stand this shame. I took the biggest piece of glass. I tried to cut my own hand.

Trembling.

Scared.

Disappointed.

I am not brave enough to do it. I tried to sober myself. I rubbed my tummy, something moving inside. There is a baby inside.

“I am sorry sweetheart. I love you. And I’ll not kill you.”