(il)Lust(ion) Story

There are four stages in my relationship,
We chat,
We meet,
We fuck,
Then, we don’t know each other anymore.
I’m strongly believed that every wireless gadget is made for our convenience, which should works too for a relationship with “no string attached”.
What is commitment for if we can have some fun? Do it here, do it there, do it now, later, tomorrow, weekend, weekdays, anything should do as long as “no string attached”.
The words “can we still be friend?” is just a rhetorical question. I never call any of them again after we did it.
I am heartless, loveless, and frigid. I don’t want any emotional feeling interfere my lust life.
Don’t tell me to look at your eyes and tell me how I feel about you; we are just fuck buddy after all.
If you are looking for a long term relationship, if you are looking for someone to rely on, if you are looking for some commitment, don’t expect you’ll get it from me, because I won’t be that person.
Love and commitment is just a bound that will only put limitations in my life.
Have I ever been in love? Been there, done that, and don’t want to feel that curse again.
I am pretty well prepared; condoms and lubricants are things that I never left behind.
I don’t want to get involved into someone’s drama.
For now I’m not looking for the “right one”, I’m looking for “right now”

But,
It was him.
Man who came up with his loneliness.
A lone lonely loner.
That particular man.
Fragile.
As it’ll be broken if I touch him.
I want to keep him.
Protect him.
It was three months ago when I met him.
I felt the sensation, something that once I felt long time ago.
I want to keep him.
And let no one touch him, or even see him.
And make him mine, only mine.
Since I met him,
Nobody else come into my world.
It’s him alone who step aside by my side.
There was no lust.
Is it the curse?

“Why did u do it?” he asked me
“Do what?”
“You know, having an open relationship like that, wont you be settled with someone?”
That question hit my heart.
My life wasn’t like this before.
But this is the thing that I have forgotten.
No, I haven’t forgotten it, I won’t remember it.
“So, why did u do that?”
I just smiled.
“It’s none of your business” I said.

It was me who keep calling him.
It was me who asked him to go out.
It was me who asked him to watch a movie.
Mostly he refused it.
He said he doesn’t want ended like the others who came before him.
But no, I have no intention to do it.
I do really hope our relationship will last longer.
Funny, from at least 10 millions human in this world, what on earth I could fall on him?
What makes him different from the other?
Could it be he is the right one?

“Don’t you feel tired? Seeking for nothing?” he asked again
“I’m not looking for nothing, I’m looking for a pleasure, and I get it.”
“Are you sure? I can’t tell it by looking in your eyes, I saw emptiness.”
He hit it precisely
“You just don’t know me yet, dear.”
“Dear? Is that how you addressing me now? Come on!”
“Hahahhaha” I laughed.

Month after month passed.
My whole world is just me and he now.
There are no others.
And I hope there will be no other.
Almost a year I know him.
And I’d want to ask him.
“What do you think about me, dear?” I asked him
“Hmm, you are heartless, loveless, and frigid.”
“What?? How could you say something like that?”
“Hahaha, you said that to me long ago. So that’s what I think about you.” He smiled
I couldn’t stand his smile
I kissed him,
Right on his cheek.
He was shocked
He pulled himself backward.
“What was that for?”
“I want you dear; I want you to stay here, by my side, for the rest of my life.”
“I can’t, we shouldn’t do this!”
“For long I have been looking for nothing, and now I believe you are the right one.”
“NO! This is wrong! I must go now!”
He left me alone.
‘Dear, wait!”

I tried to catch him, run as fast as I can.
But no, I can’t find him, he was lost.
Where did he go? How come someone as fragile as him could run that fast?
He is gone. . .
I tried to call him, but no, his phone is not active.
I tried to call him thousand times, but no, his phone is dead.
There was no use to call him now; maybe I’ll just call him again tomorrow.

A day
Two days
A week
Weeks
Until a month.
There was nothing from him, not a single call.
That’s it!!
I’ll come to his place!
“There is no one like him in this place sir, I think you’ve come to the wrong place.”
“What? No way? He’s been staying here for 4 years .”
“No sir, I’m sure there is no one like him in here, I’ve been working here for 20 years.”
Damn it!!!
What trick that he played on me!!
He wasn’t live there!! He was never been there!!!
Where the hell is he!!!
I went back to all places that I have visited with him.
My favorite café
Our favorite café
His favorite café
But they give me the same answer
“You always come here alone sir.”
“I never saw you with someone else dude, are you okay?”
ARGH!!!!
What’s wrong with this world!!!!
How come they never see me with him!!!
I went back home, sulking myself in the corner.
Keep wondering where on earth you went away.
Was it just an illusion?
But that was very real
Real one
I bet it must be real
No!! It’s not an illusion!!
NO!! NO!!! NO!!

Tears,
Since when I shed this tears?
How come I cried for him?
Damn it, I can understand what is this all about!!!
I slapped myself, trying to tell myself whether I’m dreaming or not.
It hurts,
So it’s real,
I should call him!!
Yes I’ll call him!!
I took my phone and dial his number!!
Out of service
I call again,
And again,
And again,
Till it runs out of battery.
I cried as loud as I can

“CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!! ARE YOU SATISFIED TO MAKE ME SUFFERED LIKE THIS!!”
I cried and cried
It was my fault
I shouldn’t let my heart interfere my life,
I should be heartless, loveless, and frigid.
That’s how I should be
Heartless,
Loveless,
Frigid.

maybe

maybe



if we just could hold ourselves back



our story won't be like this.



maybe



if we could understand each others intension.



our story will be different



maybe



if we just said it clearly at the first time



maybe, its just maybe



if we could start it all over again



if we just . . . . .



nah nevermind . . . .



something that has been done, can never be re-do



maybe we can have a great story



maybe . . .



it just maybe . . .