I walked into my room, throwing away my bag and my ankle boots. I opened my cup board and look trough the mirror hanging inside. I saw a beautiful girl, with pink lipstick, natural colored powder, light pink blush on, brown eyebrow, mascara, eye liner, pink eye shadow. How beautiful she is with that make up. Everybody admired her beauty. Every man would fall in love with her at the first sight. But then, she remembered. A girl. She wore no makeup. She didn’t know how to wear any makeup. But still, you can see her beauty.
I looked inside the cupboard, seeing all of her clothes. From genuine to fabulous. From skirt to hot pants. From gown to tank top. Everything looked stunning when I wear it. Every eyes will look at me when I walk in the crowd, they will say,“ Look how beautiful she is.” or ”My, that suits you perfectly.”. I can walk proudly with it. Then again, I remembered. The same girl. She only wore t-shirt and jeans, but she can walk confidently, doesn’t really care about what other people said about her outfit.
I touched my hair. How smooth it is. I would die if I have to go when I’m having a BHD. Spending a whole day in salon was not a big deal for me. Dye it, curl it, smooth it, ironing it, ion-ing it, I’ll do whatever it takes to make it beautiful. Bob, straight, curly, blonde, brunette, everything I tried to see which one suits me the best. Then again, I remembered the same girl. She never did anything on her hair. Shampoo and conditioner is the only thing that ever touched her hair. But, she is really confident with her ponytail.
I looked at my perfume bottles. Every smell for every different occasion. Flowers, fruits, woods, sea, air, coffee, green tea, spices, I have like every smell in the world. Use it and people will notice me. Once again, I remembered the same girl. She only used deodorant. But she feels comfortable with it.
I smoke, I drink. Everything needed to be “socialized”. Hanging out with friends, clubbing, drinking liquor is already part of my lifestyle. Every weekend, clubbing is a must, don’t care what my problems are, as long as I have my cigar, couple drinks, and fast beat music, everything will be all right. Once again, that girl came to my mind. She didn’t need any cigar or liquor to be “socialized”.
I walked into the bathroom, open the water tap and let the water running from the shower. I let the water fell on my face. I cried. I’m hardly recognized who I am right now. I was that girl.
A smart independent girl.
Never feel insecure.
Live the life to the max.
Long I stayed under the shower. Regretting every single thing that I have done. Being like stupid bitch. Hooked up on every cute and hot guy. I don’t know since when I have changed into bitch like now. I moved from little town in the middle of nowhere. I moved to change my life. But this is not the changes that I expected. I walked and see the reflection on myself at the mirror once again.
PRANG!!
I broke the mirror. Smash it into pieces. Cried more loudly. I can’t stand this shame. I took the biggest piece of glass. I tried to cut my own hand.
Trembling.
Scared.
Disappointed.
I am not brave enough to do it. I tried to sober myself. I rubbed my tummy, something moving inside. There is a baby inside.
“I am sorry sweetheart. I love you. And I’ll not kill you.”
Friday, August 13, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
run
“Haa…Haa…Haa...Haa…”
“Will you slowdown .”
“Haa…Haa…Haa...Haa…”
“Hei Vic, slowdown!!”
“Haa…Haa…Haa...Haa…”
He patted my shoulder
“SLOWDOWN VIC!”
“Owh, it’s you, sorry I don’t hear you, Syu.”
“Since when you are running with an iPod?”
“Since today, why?”
“Didn’t you said people who are running with an iPod are pathetic.”
“Did I? Why would I say that?” I keep running and running and running.
“Because you said people who are running with an iPod are lonely, they don’t have anyone to have a chat with. What happen to you?”
“Nothing, just nothing, I’m fine, I’m totally fine!!”
“No! I know you are not okay!!”
I just ignored him and keep running .Yes, I’m not okay, yes, I am hurt. And I don’t want to think about it so I just keep running and running. I tried to get it away from my head. It’s been a while, but still, I can’t accept it. All the promises, all the tears, all the love, everything is nothing now. Lies, lies, and lies. It was nothing but a lies.
Am I not good enough?? What’s wrong with me?? Am I a freak?? Am I ugly?? Why did he leave me for someone else?? I don’t know why. That’s why I kept running. Because when I stopped, I started to think about him anymore. And thinking about him only hurts me more deeply. I don’t want another heart ache. My ankles hurt, but my heart hurt more deeply.
Everything was fine, everything was perfect, we were a perfect for each other. But why?? He said he loves me, he said I was his everything, I was his world, and that was a lie. I never knew his real face.
BUGH!!
“Argh!!” My ankles got a cramp
“Vicky!!” Syu came to me.
“hegh, hegh, damn it!!” I started to cry
“Come on, let’s move over and take care your legs.” He helped me to move.
Tears started to burst in my eyes, all the pains that I’ve been kept, I can’t bear it anymore. Why? Why? And why? Keeping asking why only leads me to another ‘why?’.The more I tried to find the reason, the more I get lost, and more I get hurt. And now, I’m ended up like I have nothing worth to be fighting for. All the efforts ended with nothing. Now, all I want to do is crying, cry it out loud, I don’t care where am I right now.
“What happened, Vic?”
“He is breaking up with me, he is with someone else now, he just playing around with me, Syu.”
“That Jerk??!! And you are crying for him? Come on he is not worth for it!!”
“I don’t know, I feel like an idiot.” I am sobbing
“Vic, I was in your position too back there, yes, I was cried for a woman who cheated on me. I know it’s really hard. But you can’t waste your time crying for him for the rest of your life. You have to move on!”
“If moving on means forget everything about him, then, I don’t want to move. It’s hard to forget every memory we have." I said.
“Look Vic, have you ever been to Dufan?”
“Yes, I went there last year.”
“Well, life is like Dufan, there are a lot of choices you can pick. You can ride the jet coaster, the tornado, everything you like. You can be happy, you can be scared, you can be thrilled, you can feel ashamed, but you want the safeties ride. And then, you tried the carrousel. You were very excited whit the carrousel. Then u kept rides it for a long time. You kept sitting in the same place. But, unfortunately, the carrousel is broke, you can’t ride it anymore. You don’t want to ride another thing; the carrousel is the only thing matter for you. You keep your eyes on it. Without realizing it, Dufan is about to closed. You will be kicked out, and you just wasted half of your day, staring at the broken carrousel.”
“What are you really trying to say, Syu?”
“ Your ex is the broken carrousel, you stuck with your memory about him. You have to move on Vic, this is not the end of the world”
“But, it’s easy to say, but so hard to do, Syu.”
“No one says it is easy to do it, but you got to try it.”
“So, I have to move, but where do I have to move?” I wiped my tears
“Move to somewhere else, don’t be settled, keep walking, keep your eyes and your heart open, and soon you’ll find your moment of blizz.”
Syu was right, I stuck on “the broken carrousel” for too long. I’m settled. Yes, life is never easy, but if I keep moaning about how unfortunate I am, I’ll not be able to see happiness. I can’t enjoy the “Dufan” if I keep my eyes on “the broken carrousel”. I need to move.
“Thanks, Syu, That’s a huge wake up call.” I smiled.
“Just think like this Vic. You are losing someone who doesn’t love you, but he lost someone who loves him.”
He is right, I have been trapped in the darkness for too long, pitying myself will give me nothing than another tears. Moving on is the only thing matter now, settled in the grief and sorrow is not a real option.
“Come on Syu, let’s have one more lap.” I stood and walk again.
“But your ankles?”
“I’ll be fine.”
I started to run again, run, run, and run. But for now, I’m not running away from my problems, I’m running to move on, to survived, and to be happy.
“Will you slowdown .”
“Haa…Haa…Haa...Haa…”
“Hei Vic, slowdown!!”
“Haa…Haa…Haa...Haa…”
He patted my shoulder
“SLOWDOWN VIC!”
“Owh, it’s you, sorry I don’t hear you, Syu.”
“Since when you are running with an iPod?”
“Since today, why?”
“Didn’t you said people who are running with an iPod are pathetic.”
“Did I? Why would I say that?” I keep running and running and running.
“Because you said people who are running with an iPod are lonely, they don’t have anyone to have a chat with. What happen to you?”
“Nothing, just nothing, I’m fine, I’m totally fine!!”
“No! I know you are not okay!!”
I just ignored him and keep running .Yes, I’m not okay, yes, I am hurt. And I don’t want to think about it so I just keep running and running. I tried to get it away from my head. It’s been a while, but still, I can’t accept it. All the promises, all the tears, all the love, everything is nothing now. Lies, lies, and lies. It was nothing but a lies.
Am I not good enough?? What’s wrong with me?? Am I a freak?? Am I ugly?? Why did he leave me for someone else?? I don’t know why. That’s why I kept running. Because when I stopped, I started to think about him anymore. And thinking about him only hurts me more deeply. I don’t want another heart ache. My ankles hurt, but my heart hurt more deeply.
Everything was fine, everything was perfect, we were a perfect for each other. But why?? He said he loves me, he said I was his everything, I was his world, and that was a lie. I never knew his real face.
BUGH!!
“Argh!!” My ankles got a cramp
“Vicky!!” Syu came to me.
“hegh, hegh, damn it!!” I started to cry
“Come on, let’s move over and take care your legs.” He helped me to move.
Tears started to burst in my eyes, all the pains that I’ve been kept, I can’t bear it anymore. Why? Why? And why? Keeping asking why only leads me to another ‘why?’.The more I tried to find the reason, the more I get lost, and more I get hurt. And now, I’m ended up like I have nothing worth to be fighting for. All the efforts ended with nothing. Now, all I want to do is crying, cry it out loud, I don’t care where am I right now.
“What happened, Vic?”
“He is breaking up with me, he is with someone else now, he just playing around with me, Syu.”
“That Jerk??!! And you are crying for him? Come on he is not worth for it!!”
“I don’t know, I feel like an idiot.” I am sobbing
“Vic, I was in your position too back there, yes, I was cried for a woman who cheated on me. I know it’s really hard. But you can’t waste your time crying for him for the rest of your life. You have to move on!”
“If moving on means forget everything about him, then, I don’t want to move. It’s hard to forget every memory we have." I said.
“Look Vic, have you ever been to Dufan?”
“Yes, I went there last year.”
“Well, life is like Dufan, there are a lot of choices you can pick. You can ride the jet coaster, the tornado, everything you like. You can be happy, you can be scared, you can be thrilled, you can feel ashamed, but you want the safeties ride. And then, you tried the carrousel. You were very excited whit the carrousel. Then u kept rides it for a long time. You kept sitting in the same place. But, unfortunately, the carrousel is broke, you can’t ride it anymore. You don’t want to ride another thing; the carrousel is the only thing matter for you. You keep your eyes on it. Without realizing it, Dufan is about to closed. You will be kicked out, and you just wasted half of your day, staring at the broken carrousel.”
“What are you really trying to say, Syu?”
“ Your ex is the broken carrousel, you stuck with your memory about him. You have to move on Vic, this is not the end of the world”
“But, it’s easy to say, but so hard to do, Syu.”
“No one says it is easy to do it, but you got to try it.”
“So, I have to move, but where do I have to move?” I wiped my tears
“Move to somewhere else, don’t be settled, keep walking, keep your eyes and your heart open, and soon you’ll find your moment of blizz.”
Syu was right, I stuck on “the broken carrousel” for too long. I’m settled. Yes, life is never easy, but if I keep moaning about how unfortunate I am, I’ll not be able to see happiness. I can’t enjoy the “Dufan” if I keep my eyes on “the broken carrousel”. I need to move.
“Thanks, Syu, That’s a huge wake up call.” I smiled.
“Just think like this Vic. You are losing someone who doesn’t love you, but he lost someone who loves him.”
He is right, I have been trapped in the darkness for too long, pitying myself will give me nothing than another tears. Moving on is the only thing matter now, settled in the grief and sorrow is not a real option.
“Come on Syu, let’s have one more lap.” I stood and walk again.
“But your ankles?”
“I’ll be fine.”
I started to run again, run, run, and run. But for now, I’m not running away from my problems, I’m running to move on, to survived, and to be happy.
Friday, July 30, 2010
on your own
pagi ini, ketika pikiran gw sedang melayang2 gw keinget sama film dan lagu ini ( rasanya gw masih punya vcdnya di rumah) gw coba googling and dengerin lagi
dan bbrp hari lalu, ada temen gw ngasi one psychological question
ketika lu ada di suat padang rumput, dan sejauh mata memandang hanya ada rumput dan langit yg dipisahkan oleh horison, apa yang lu rasain
gw jawab : gw ngerasa bahagia, rileks, dan kesepian. . .
dan kalo gw ga salah inget, itu adalah perasaaan yg dirasakan klo gw lg sendirian
pertama gw bakal ngerasa bahagia dalam kesendirian gw, gw bisa bebas jadi apapun yg gw mau, tanpa mikirin org lain bakal ngomong apa tentang gw
lalu gw rileks dengan ngga adanya org di sekitar gw, ngga ada sesuatu yg terlalu penting untuk dijadikan prioritas
dan lalu gw sadar bahwa gw selama ini kesepian . . . . . . . .
Thursday, July 29, 2010
i'm not my self
i just realized that im not my self for these couple days
i'm back into my old habit
i opened my drawer and found my cigar that i've been stored for months ago
gw jadi kek orang gila kalang kabut yg tiap ari kerjaannya mantengin hp
tiap malem nelpon my besties, Dennies, just to tell the same story every night
just wondering, how come??
keknya dulu gw bisa ga se desperado ini deh..
but why now i became like this
grasak grusuk gajelas dan gapenting
i feel like an idiot..
bego!! bego!! bego!! bego!!! bego!!!!
*jedotin kpala ke pintu*
damn it, rasanya yg dulu2 ga sampe ngebikin gw kek gini deh
*sakitnya sama sih, cuma rasanya gw bisa lbih tough deh dulu*
*menyalakan batang k4
gw bener2 bingung harus ngapain lagi dah . . . .
i'm back into my old habit
i opened my drawer and found my cigar that i've been stored for months ago
gw jadi kek orang gila kalang kabut yg tiap ari kerjaannya mantengin hp
tiap malem nelpon my besties, Dennies, just to tell the same story every night
just wondering, how come??
keknya dulu gw bisa ga se desperado ini deh..
but why now i became like this
grasak grusuk gajelas dan gapenting
i feel like an idiot..
bego!! bego!! bego!! bego!!! bego!!!!
*jedotin kpala ke pintu*
damn it, rasanya yg dulu2 ga sampe ngebikin gw kek gini deh
*sakitnya sama sih, cuma rasanya gw bisa lbih tough deh dulu*
*menyalakan batang k4
gw bener2 bingung harus ngapain lagi dah . . . .
Monday, July 26, 2010
Bangkok Traffic Love Storry
"Li, people don't have boyfriends and girlfriends to be together all the
time. They have them to know that there's still someone who loves them" - Bangkok Traffic Love Story
i love this movie!! komedi percinttaan yg asik, enjoy ditonton, dan maknanya dalam, hahaha
dan satu dialog di atas yg bikin gw mikir2, apa iya ya?
apa bener itu yg skrg ini gw butuhin?
klo gw udah punya pun, apa yg bakal gw lakuin dgn pacar gw?
ber"selang" ria and then broke up after few months?
no i dont want to be like that...
jadi sedikit tamparan jga sih buat gw, hahaha
time. They have them to know that there's still someone who loves them" - Bangkok Traffic Love Story
i love this movie!! komedi percinttaan yg asik, enjoy ditonton, dan maknanya dalam, hahaha
dan satu dialog di atas yg bikin gw mikir2, apa iya ya?
apa bener itu yg skrg ini gw butuhin?
klo gw udah punya pun, apa yg bakal gw lakuin dgn pacar gw?
ber"selang" ria and then broke up after few months?
no i dont want to be like that...
jadi sedikit tamparan jga sih buat gw, hahaha
Saturday, July 24, 2010
hate
i hate me
i hate you
i hate him
i hate her
i hate peace
i hate war
i hate mother
i hate father
i hate sister
i hate brother
i hate boy
i hate girl
i hate dark
i hate light
i hate boyfriend
i hate girlfriend
i hate this
i hate that
i hate these
i hate those
i hate life
i hate death
i hate angel
i hate evil
i hate heaven
i hate hell
but still, i can't hate The One Who Created All of the world
i hate you
i hate him
i hate her
i hate peace
i hate war
i hate mother
i hate father
i hate sister
i hate brother
i hate boy
i hate girl
i hate dark
i hate light
i hate boyfriend
i hate girlfriend
i hate this
i hate that
i hate these
i hate those
i hate life
i hate death
i hate angel
i hate evil
i hate heaven
i hate hell
but still, i can't hate The One Who Created All of the world
nite, bye =)
Ctik ctik ctik
Ctik ctik ctik
Ctik ctik ctik
Ctik ctik ctik
Ctik ctik ctik
Ctik ctik ctik
Ctik ctik ctik
Ctik ctik ctik
Keyboard komputer terus berdetik
Senyum numpang lewat di bibir
Chatting, hobi yang paling kusukai seumur hidup
Duduk di depan komputer berjam – jam
YM dan MSN tak hentinya mengeluarkan bunyi aneh menandakan ada new chat
Winamp memutar musik instrumental
Saling bercomment via Friendster
Mozilla juga ngga berhenti bersuara, ada chat baru di Facebook
Terkadang tawa meledak
Menjadi seperti anak autis tertawa sendirian di depan komputer
Berbagi cerita konyol dengan kawan di berbagai tempat
Bahkan dengan teman seatap pun, YM digunakan sebagai media komunikasi
Beberapa room chat ada di taskbar, diantaranya conference chat
Saling berekenalan dan kemudian menambahkan mereka di daftar friendlist
Dan akhirnya menjadi teman akrab
Teman baru yang bisa digunakan sebagai teman ”melacur”
Menghiraukan tugas yang mustinya harus dikumpulkan jam 7 besok pagi
Lebih memilih tidak tidur untuk chatting dan mengerjakan tugas sekitar 2 jam sebelum dikumpulkan
Terjadi crush dengan beberapa kawan
Fall in love kata orang amrik bilang
Harap – harap cemas menanti seseorang
Berharap dia akan online dalam waktu dekat
Menyapanya, ngajak ngobrol, yah bahasa keren bagi anak muda skrg PDKT
Berbagi cerita ini itu, walopun kadang jadi kurang penting
Menulis status di setiap messenger, menantikan kehadirannya
Tersenyum lega ketika si dia membalas chattingan kita
Mengajak ketemuan di suatu tempat, copy darat kata orang dulu bilang
Saling menukar nomor handphone
Ketika malam melewati batasnya pun obrolan berlanjut via telepon
Saling bertanya besok mau ngapain
Berbasa basi yang basi
Intinya mah cuma 1, PDKT
Sakit hati sepertinya sudah menjadi hal yang biasa
Dikecewakan teman baru, ditinggal gebetan
Dan obatnya
Dapet teman baru, nemu gebetan baru
Sampai akhirnya kantuk menjelang
Mengucap salam kepada teman yang sedang diajak chatting
Teruama pada calon yang baru tentunya
Berharap suatu saat status naik dari teman jadi pacar
”Tidur duluan ya, ngantuk nih.”
”Yaaa, koq tidur duluan sih?”
”Iya, besok mau pergi.”
”Owh, ya sudah ati2 ya besok.”
”Iya, kamu juga cepetan tidur lho!”
”Beres deh!”
”ya sudah. Nite.”
“Nite, bye :)”
Ctik ctik ctik
Ctik ctik ctik
Ctik ctik ctik
Ctik ctik ctik
Ctik ctik ctik
Ctik ctik ctik
Ctik ctik ctik
Keyboard komputer terus berdetik
Senyum numpang lewat di bibir
Chatting, hobi yang paling kusukai seumur hidup
Duduk di depan komputer berjam – jam
YM dan MSN tak hentinya mengeluarkan bunyi aneh menandakan ada new chat
Winamp memutar musik instrumental
Saling bercomment via Friendster
Mozilla juga ngga berhenti bersuara, ada chat baru di Facebook
Terkadang tawa meledak
Menjadi seperti anak autis tertawa sendirian di depan komputer
Berbagi cerita konyol dengan kawan di berbagai tempat
Bahkan dengan teman seatap pun, YM digunakan sebagai media komunikasi
Beberapa room chat ada di taskbar, diantaranya conference chat
Saling berekenalan dan kemudian menambahkan mereka di daftar friendlist
Dan akhirnya menjadi teman akrab
Teman baru yang bisa digunakan sebagai teman ”melacur”
Menghiraukan tugas yang mustinya harus dikumpulkan jam 7 besok pagi
Lebih memilih tidak tidur untuk chatting dan mengerjakan tugas sekitar 2 jam sebelum dikumpulkan
Terjadi crush dengan beberapa kawan
Fall in love kata orang amrik bilang
Harap – harap cemas menanti seseorang
Berharap dia akan online dalam waktu dekat
Menyapanya, ngajak ngobrol, yah bahasa keren bagi anak muda skrg PDKT
Berbagi cerita ini itu, walopun kadang jadi kurang penting
Menulis status di setiap messenger, menantikan kehadirannya
Tersenyum lega ketika si dia membalas chattingan kita
Mengajak ketemuan di suatu tempat, copy darat kata orang dulu bilang
Saling menukar nomor handphone
Ketika malam melewati batasnya pun obrolan berlanjut via telepon
Saling bertanya besok mau ngapain
Berbasa basi yang basi
Intinya mah cuma 1, PDKT
Sakit hati sepertinya sudah menjadi hal yang biasa
Dikecewakan teman baru, ditinggal gebetan
Dan obatnya
Dapet teman baru, nemu gebetan baru
Sampai akhirnya kantuk menjelang
Mengucap salam kepada teman yang sedang diajak chatting
Teruama pada calon yang baru tentunya
Berharap suatu saat status naik dari teman jadi pacar
”Tidur duluan ya, ngantuk nih.”
”Yaaa, koq tidur duluan sih?”
”Iya, besok mau pergi.”
”Owh, ya sudah ati2 ya besok.”
”Iya, kamu juga cepetan tidur lho!”
”Beres deh!”
”ya sudah. Nite.”
“Nite, bye :)”
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