"thing that I really want to write these past three days, but still thinking bout what to write, so here it is"
I am a gamer
I play with many games.
I love it.
Till one day, i play with a game that i shouldn't play.
this game called "Heart"
i need to pay a huge fortune to buy this game.
Excited, i played this game.
this game looks like a puzzle.
I have to put the pieces in order, so the result will be a very nice picture of something I can't tell before I finish it.
This game only allowed 2 people to play it.
so i play it with others.
put here put there.
until its almost done.
we built a relationship at the same time we played with the "Heart"
eventually, things not work out fine.
typical love story, starting out as friend, ended as a foe.
so I find someone to play with me.
it's just the same story as the 1st one, starting out as friend, ended as a foe.
so i keep looking for one.
until now I realized, there are something missing.
the "Heart" is not the same.
it became different.
lots of pieces missing, it can't be do again.
it won't show anything anymore.
and I'll never know what exactly the picture is.
and now i have to deal with the bills.
heart is the most dangerous game I ever played, i shouldn't have play with it at the very first time . . .
*inspired by a box of puzzle that i never finish.*
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
here comes the mellow
okay here comes the mellow
i hate being my self, I really hate it.
I'm full with negative feeling.
I have broke many hearts, including mine.
I'm afraid to open my self to others
once I let people get inside, I couldn't bear the pain.
it's weird, really weird.
when people doesn't want to be lonely, i prefer to lock my self in my own room.
but yes, I do feel lonely.
but I just couldn't let it.
it's been 2 years, people come and gone.
some remains as friends, some into a foe, the rest become a stranger again.
I'm afraid about my own future.
I'm afraid being a daddy
I dont have a real figure of daddy, how could i be one?
I'm afraid i couldnt take care my own child.
trust me, having an experience, and watching movies, reading stories, and hearing what people feels make me afraid.
don't know why,
Once i read something like this
babies who never been born is the luckiest person in this world
babies who are born but then die, also a lucky person
but one who survived and has to live this life is the cursed one, because one has to feel the pain on being living creature.
and i just couldn't agree more on that
i hate being my self, I really hate it.
I'm full with negative feeling.
I have broke many hearts, including mine.
I'm afraid to open my self to others
once I let people get inside, I couldn't bear the pain.
it's weird, really weird.
when people doesn't want to be lonely, i prefer to lock my self in my own room.
but yes, I do feel lonely.
but I just couldn't let it.
it's been 2 years, people come and gone.
some remains as friends, some into a foe, the rest become a stranger again.
I'm afraid about my own future.
I'm afraid being a daddy
I dont have a real figure of daddy, how could i be one?
I'm afraid i couldnt take care my own child.
trust me, having an experience, and watching movies, reading stories, and hearing what people feels make me afraid.
don't know why,
Once i read something like this
babies who never been born is the luckiest person in this world
babies who are born but then die, also a lucky person
but one who survived and has to live this life is the cursed one, because one has to feel the pain on being living creature.
and i just couldn't agree more on that
Sunday, September 26, 2010
(il)Lust(ion) Story
There are four stages in my relationship,
We chat,
We meet,
We fuck,
Then, we don’t know each other anymore.
I’m strongly believed that every wireless gadget is made for our convenience, which should works too for a relationship with “no string attached”.
What is commitment for if we can have some fun? Do it here, do it there, do it now, later, tomorrow, weekend, weekdays, anything should do as long as “no string attached”.
The words “can we still be friend?” is just a rhetorical question. I never call any of them again after we did it.
I am heartless, loveless, and frigid. I don’t want any emotional feeling interfere my lust life.
Don’t tell me to look at your eyes and tell me how I feel about you; we are just fuck buddy after all.
If you are looking for a long term relationship, if you are looking for someone to rely on, if you are looking for some commitment, don’t expect you’ll get it from me, because I won’t be that person.
Love and commitment is just a bound that will only put limitations in my life.
Have I ever been in love? Been there, done that, and don’t want to feel that curse again.
I am pretty well prepared; condoms and lubricants are things that I never left behind.
I don’t want to get involved into someone’s drama.
For now I’m not looking for the “right one”, I’m looking for “right now”
But,
It was him.
Man who came up with his loneliness.
A lone lonely loner.
That particular man.
Fragile.
As it’ll be broken if I touch him.
I want to keep him.
Protect him.
It was three months ago when I met him.
I felt the sensation, something that once I felt long time ago.
I want to keep him.
And let no one touch him, or even see him.
And make him mine, only mine.
Since I met him,
Nobody else come into my world.
It’s him alone who step aside by my side.
There was no lust.
Is it the curse?
“Why did u do it?” he asked me
“Do what?”
“You know, having an open relationship like that, wont you be settled with someone?”
That question hit my heart.
My life wasn’t like this before.
But this is the thing that I have forgotten.
No, I haven’t forgotten it, I won’t remember it.
“So, why did u do that?”
I just smiled.
“It’s none of your business” I said.
It was me who keep calling him.
It was me who asked him to go out.
It was me who asked him to watch a movie.
Mostly he refused it.
He said he doesn’t want ended like the others who came before him.
But no, I have no intention to do it.
I do really hope our relationship will last longer.
Funny, from at least 10 millions human in this world, what on earth I could fall on him?
What makes him different from the other?
Could it be he is the right one?
“Don’t you feel tired? Seeking for nothing?” he asked again
“I’m not looking for nothing, I’m looking for a pleasure, and I get it.”
“Are you sure? I can’t tell it by looking in your eyes, I saw emptiness.”
He hit it precisely
“You just don’t know me yet, dear.”
“Dear? Is that how you addressing me now? Come on!”
“Hahahhaha” I laughed.
Month after month passed.
My whole world is just me and he now.
There are no others.
And I hope there will be no other.
Almost a year I know him.
And I’d want to ask him.
“What do you think about me, dear?” I asked him
“Hmm, you are heartless, loveless, and frigid.”
“What?? How could you say something like that?”
“Hahaha, you said that to me long ago. So that’s what I think about you.” He smiled
I couldn’t stand his smile
I kissed him,
Right on his cheek.
He was shocked
He pulled himself backward.
“What was that for?”
“I want you dear; I want you to stay here, by my side, for the rest of my life.”
“I can’t, we shouldn’t do this!”
“For long I have been looking for nothing, and now I believe you are the right one.”
“NO! This is wrong! I must go now!”
He left me alone.
‘Dear, wait!”
I tried to catch him, run as fast as I can.
But no, I can’t find him, he was lost.
Where did he go? How come someone as fragile as him could run that fast?
He is gone. . .
I tried to call him, but no, his phone is not active.
I tried to call him thousand times, but no, his phone is dead.
There was no use to call him now; maybe I’ll just call him again tomorrow.
A day
Two days
A week
Weeks
Until a month.
There was nothing from him, not a single call.
That’s it!!
I’ll come to his place!
“There is no one like him in this place sir, I think you’ve come to the wrong place.”
“What? No way? He’s been staying here for 4 years .”
“No sir, I’m sure there is no one like him in here, I’ve been working here for 20 years.”
Damn it!!!
What trick that he played on me!!
He wasn’t live there!! He was never been there!!!
Where the hell is he!!!
I went back to all places that I have visited with him.
My favorite café
Our favorite café
His favorite café
But they give me the same answer
“You always come here alone sir.”
“I never saw you with someone else dude, are you okay?”
ARGH!!!!
What’s wrong with this world!!!!
How come they never see me with him!!!
I went back home, sulking myself in the corner.
Keep wondering where on earth you went away.
Was it just an illusion?
But that was very real
Real one
I bet it must be real
No!! It’s not an illusion!!
NO!! NO!!! NO!!
Tears,
Since when I shed this tears?
How come I cried for him?
Damn it, I can understand what is this all about!!!
I slapped myself, trying to tell myself whether I’m dreaming or not.
It hurts,
So it’s real,
I should call him!!
Yes I’ll call him!!
I took my phone and dial his number!!
Out of service
I call again,
And again,
And again,
Till it runs out of battery.
I cried as loud as I can
“CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!! ARE YOU SATISFIED TO MAKE ME SUFFERED LIKE THIS!!”
I cried and cried
It was my fault
I shouldn’t let my heart interfere my life,
I should be heartless, loveless, and frigid.
That’s how I should be
Heartless,
Loveless,
Frigid.
We chat,
We meet,
We fuck,
Then, we don’t know each other anymore.
I’m strongly believed that every wireless gadget is made for our convenience, which should works too for a relationship with “no string attached”.
What is commitment for if we can have some fun? Do it here, do it there, do it now, later, tomorrow, weekend, weekdays, anything should do as long as “no string attached”.
The words “can we still be friend?” is just a rhetorical question. I never call any of them again after we did it.
I am heartless, loveless, and frigid. I don’t want any emotional feeling interfere my lust life.
Don’t tell me to look at your eyes and tell me how I feel about you; we are just fuck buddy after all.
If you are looking for a long term relationship, if you are looking for someone to rely on, if you are looking for some commitment, don’t expect you’ll get it from me, because I won’t be that person.
Love and commitment is just a bound that will only put limitations in my life.
Have I ever been in love? Been there, done that, and don’t want to feel that curse again.
I am pretty well prepared; condoms and lubricants are things that I never left behind.
I don’t want to get involved into someone’s drama.
For now I’m not looking for the “right one”, I’m looking for “right now”
But,
It was him.
Man who came up with his loneliness.
A lone lonely loner.
That particular man.
Fragile.
As it’ll be broken if I touch him.
I want to keep him.
Protect him.
It was three months ago when I met him.
I felt the sensation, something that once I felt long time ago.
I want to keep him.
And let no one touch him, or even see him.
And make him mine, only mine.
Since I met him,
Nobody else come into my world.
It’s him alone who step aside by my side.
There was no lust.
Is it the curse?
“Why did u do it?” he asked me
“Do what?”
“You know, having an open relationship like that, wont you be settled with someone?”
That question hit my heart.
My life wasn’t like this before.
But this is the thing that I have forgotten.
No, I haven’t forgotten it, I won’t remember it.
“So, why did u do that?”
I just smiled.
“It’s none of your business” I said.
It was me who keep calling him.
It was me who asked him to go out.
It was me who asked him to watch a movie.
Mostly he refused it.
He said he doesn’t want ended like the others who came before him.
But no, I have no intention to do it.
I do really hope our relationship will last longer.
Funny, from at least 10 millions human in this world, what on earth I could fall on him?
What makes him different from the other?
Could it be he is the right one?
“Don’t you feel tired? Seeking for nothing?” he asked again
“I’m not looking for nothing, I’m looking for a pleasure, and I get it.”
“Are you sure? I can’t tell it by looking in your eyes, I saw emptiness.”
He hit it precisely
“You just don’t know me yet, dear.”
“Dear? Is that how you addressing me now? Come on!”
“Hahahhaha” I laughed.
Month after month passed.
My whole world is just me and he now.
There are no others.
And I hope there will be no other.
Almost a year I know him.
And I’d want to ask him.
“What do you think about me, dear?” I asked him
“Hmm, you are heartless, loveless, and frigid.”
“What?? How could you say something like that?”
“Hahaha, you said that to me long ago. So that’s what I think about you.” He smiled
I couldn’t stand his smile
I kissed him,
Right on his cheek.
He was shocked
He pulled himself backward.
“What was that for?”
“I want you dear; I want you to stay here, by my side, for the rest of my life.”
“I can’t, we shouldn’t do this!”
“For long I have been looking for nothing, and now I believe you are the right one.”
“NO! This is wrong! I must go now!”
He left me alone.
‘Dear, wait!”
I tried to catch him, run as fast as I can.
But no, I can’t find him, he was lost.
Where did he go? How come someone as fragile as him could run that fast?
He is gone. . .
I tried to call him, but no, his phone is not active.
I tried to call him thousand times, but no, his phone is dead.
There was no use to call him now; maybe I’ll just call him again tomorrow.
A day
Two days
A week
Weeks
Until a month.
There was nothing from him, not a single call.
That’s it!!
I’ll come to his place!
“There is no one like him in this place sir, I think you’ve come to the wrong place.”
“What? No way? He’s been staying here for 4 years .”
“No sir, I’m sure there is no one like him in here, I’ve been working here for 20 years.”
Damn it!!!
What trick that he played on me!!
He wasn’t live there!! He was never been there!!!
Where the hell is he!!!
I went back to all places that I have visited with him.
My favorite café
Our favorite café
His favorite café
But they give me the same answer
“You always come here alone sir.”
“I never saw you with someone else dude, are you okay?”
ARGH!!!!
What’s wrong with this world!!!!
How come they never see me with him!!!
I went back home, sulking myself in the corner.
Keep wondering where on earth you went away.
Was it just an illusion?
But that was very real
Real one
I bet it must be real
No!! It’s not an illusion!!
NO!! NO!!! NO!!
Tears,
Since when I shed this tears?
How come I cried for him?
Damn it, I can understand what is this all about!!!
I slapped myself, trying to tell myself whether I’m dreaming or not.
It hurts,
So it’s real,
I should call him!!
Yes I’ll call him!!
I took my phone and dial his number!!
Out of service
I call again,
And again,
And again,
Till it runs out of battery.
I cried as loud as I can
“CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!! ARE YOU SATISFIED TO MAKE ME SUFFERED LIKE THIS!!”
I cried and cried
It was my fault
I shouldn’t let my heart interfere my life,
I should be heartless, loveless, and frigid.
That’s how I should be
Heartless,
Loveless,
Frigid.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
maybe
maybe
if we just could hold ourselves back
our story won't be like this.
maybe
if we could understand each others intension.
our story will be different
maybe
if we just said it clearly at the first time
maybe, its just maybe
if we could start it all over again
if we just . . . . .
nah nevermind . . . .
something that has been done, can never be re-do
maybe we can have a great story
maybe . . .
it just maybe . . .
if we just could hold ourselves back
our story won't be like this.
maybe
if we could understand each others intension.
our story will be different
maybe
if we just said it clearly at the first time
maybe, its just maybe
if we could start it all over again
if we just . . . . .
nah nevermind . . . .
something that has been done, can never be re-do
maybe we can have a great story
maybe . . .
it just maybe . . .
Sunday, August 29, 2010
apa salahnya?
perna ga sih kalian denger cerita seperti ini???
Sebuah bis datang, dan kau bilang, "Wah...terlalu sumpek dan panas, nggak bisa duduk nyaman nih !! Aku tunggu bis berikutnya saja x ya!!"
Kemudian, bis berikutnya datang. Kamu melihatnya dan berkata, "Aduh bisnya kurang asik nih dan kok gak cakep begini dan tidak menarik bagi saya... nggak mau ah.."
Bis selanjutnya datang, cool dan kau berminat, tapi dia seakan-akan tidak melihatmu dan melewatimu begitu saja.
Bis keempat berhenti di depan kamu. Bis itu kosong, cukup bagus, tapi kamu bilang, "Nggak ada AC nih, gw bisa kepanasan". Maka kamu membiarkan bis keempat pergi..
Waktu terus berlalu, kamu mulai sadar bahwa kamu bisa terlambat pergi ke kantor. Ketika bis kelima datang, kau sudah tak sabar, kamu langsung melompat masuk ke dalamnya. Setelah beberapa lama, kamu akhirnya sadar kalau kamu salah menaiki bis. Bis tersebut jurusannya bukan yang kau tuju!
Dan kau baru sadar telah menyiakan waktumu sekian lama..
Moral dari cerita ini, sering kali seseorang menunggu orang yang benar-benar 'Ideal' untuk menjadi pasangannya. Padahal tidak ada orang yang 100% memenuhi keidealan kita. Dan kau pun sekali-kali tidak akan pernah bisa menjadi 100% sesuai keinginan dia.
Tidak ada salahnya memberi kesempatan kepada yang berhenti di depan kita. Tentunya dengan jurusan yang sama seperti yang kita tuju. Apabila ternyata memang tidak cocok, apa boleh buat.. tapi kau masih bisa berteriak 'Kiri !' dan keluar dengan sopan.
Cerita ini juga berarti, kalau kau benar-benar menemukan bis yang kosong, kau sukai dan bisa kau percayai, dan tentunya sejurusan dengan tujuanmu, kau dapat berusaha sebisa kamu untuk menghentikan bis tersebut di depanmu. Dia memberi kesempatan kau masuk ke dalamnya.
apa salahnya dengan penantian??
apa salahnya berusaha menyamankan diri sendiri dengan keadaan??
salah ya mengharap dapet yg 100%??
ngga cape apa gonta ganti "bis" mlulu??
sebelum naik ke "bis", bukannya kita bsa ngebaca "jurusan" mana yg dituju??
bukannya klo ga ada bis, kita bisa naik taksi ya??
i just cant understand this world @.@
Sebuah bis datang, dan kau bilang, "Wah...terlalu sumpek dan panas, nggak bisa duduk nyaman nih !! Aku tunggu bis berikutnya saja x ya!!"
Kemudian, bis berikutnya datang. Kamu melihatnya dan berkata, "Aduh bisnya kurang asik nih dan kok gak cakep begini dan tidak menarik bagi saya... nggak mau ah.."
Bis selanjutnya datang, cool dan kau berminat, tapi dia seakan-akan tidak melihatmu dan melewatimu begitu saja.
Bis keempat berhenti di depan kamu. Bis itu kosong, cukup bagus, tapi kamu bilang, "Nggak ada AC nih, gw bisa kepanasan". Maka kamu membiarkan bis keempat pergi..
Waktu terus berlalu, kamu mulai sadar bahwa kamu bisa terlambat pergi ke kantor. Ketika bis kelima datang, kau sudah tak sabar, kamu langsung melompat masuk ke dalamnya. Setelah beberapa lama, kamu akhirnya sadar kalau kamu salah menaiki bis. Bis tersebut jurusannya bukan yang kau tuju!
Dan kau baru sadar telah menyiakan waktumu sekian lama..
Moral dari cerita ini, sering kali seseorang menunggu orang yang benar-benar 'Ideal' untuk menjadi pasangannya. Padahal tidak ada orang yang 100% memenuhi keidealan kita. Dan kau pun sekali-kali tidak akan pernah bisa menjadi 100% sesuai keinginan dia.
Tidak ada salahnya memberi kesempatan kepada yang berhenti di depan kita. Tentunya dengan jurusan yang sama seperti yang kita tuju. Apabila ternyata memang tidak cocok, apa boleh buat.. tapi kau masih bisa berteriak 'Kiri !' dan keluar dengan sopan.
Cerita ini juga berarti, kalau kau benar-benar menemukan bis yang kosong, kau sukai dan bisa kau percayai, dan tentunya sejurusan dengan tujuanmu, kau dapat berusaha sebisa kamu untuk menghentikan bis tersebut di depanmu. Dia memberi kesempatan kau masuk ke dalamnya.
apa salahnya dengan penantian??
apa salahnya berusaha menyamankan diri sendiri dengan keadaan??
salah ya mengharap dapet yg 100%??
ngga cape apa gonta ganti "bis" mlulu??
sebelum naik ke "bis", bukannya kita bsa ngebaca "jurusan" mana yg dituju??
bukannya klo ga ada bis, kita bisa naik taksi ya??
i just cant understand this world @.@
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
how to decor an empty heart?? (part2)
well, its been 20 months i left my heart empty
dan sampe saat ini pun masih ttp kosong
sejujurnya kmaren udah ada perabot2 yg ditaksir
catnya pun udah nemu yang bagus.
udah ada bayangan bakal gmn bentuk ruangan yang baru.
sayangnya gw ga hati2.
gw lupa nutup pintu.
ada angin ribut yg bikin kotor lantainya
ada maling yg nyolong perabotannya
ada kucing liar yg masuk dan numpahin cat di mana2.
pusing . . .
capek . . . .
akh, should i left it empty?
left it plain?
tapi bosen juga klo kosongan terus. . .
pengen naruh kursi untuk duduk. .
pengen gelar karpet untuk lesehan. .
ada meja bulet 1 ditengah
ada AC, ato kipas angin juga cukup. .
ga perlu mewah yg penting nyaman dan bikin betah..
yah, kosongin lagi deh . .
nunggu lagi nemu "perabot' yg tepat. . .
utk skrg, berusaha menyamankan diri dgn apa aja yang ada..
walopun pada dasarnya ga ada apa-apanya =)
dan sampe saat ini pun masih ttp kosong
sejujurnya kmaren udah ada perabot2 yg ditaksir
catnya pun udah nemu yang bagus.
udah ada bayangan bakal gmn bentuk ruangan yang baru.
sayangnya gw ga hati2.
gw lupa nutup pintu.
ada angin ribut yg bikin kotor lantainya
ada maling yg nyolong perabotannya
ada kucing liar yg masuk dan numpahin cat di mana2.
pusing . . .
capek . . . .
akh, should i left it empty?
left it plain?
tapi bosen juga klo kosongan terus. . .
pengen naruh kursi untuk duduk. .
pengen gelar karpet untuk lesehan. .
ada meja bulet 1 ditengah
ada AC, ato kipas angin juga cukup. .
ga perlu mewah yg penting nyaman dan bikin betah..
yah, kosongin lagi deh . .
nunggu lagi nemu "perabot' yg tepat. . .
utk skrg, berusaha menyamankan diri dgn apa aja yang ada..
walopun pada dasarnya ga ada apa-apanya =)
Friday, August 20, 2010
the law of swearing
pernah ga sih lu blg anjing, monyet, babi, dsbnya??
ga mau jadi muna, gw ngomong koq.
sometimes, cuma ekspresi itu yg tepat untuk mengekspresikan apa yg ada di otak.
biarpun org lain mau judge gw apaan.
loh ini kan mulut gw, bukan mulut lu!
blg mulut gw ga perna sekolah, harusnya lu ngaca, lu yg bikin gw ngomong keq gitu, artinya sikap lu sndiri jga ga perna sekolah dong!
hohoho
biarpun kita manusia, but sometimes, we act like an animal :D
ga mau jadi muna, gw ngomong koq.
sometimes, cuma ekspresi itu yg tepat untuk mengekspresikan apa yg ada di otak.
biarpun org lain mau judge gw apaan.
loh ini kan mulut gw, bukan mulut lu!
blg mulut gw ga perna sekolah, harusnya lu ngaca, lu yg bikin gw ngomong keq gitu, artinya sikap lu sndiri jga ga perna sekolah dong!
hohoho
biarpun kita manusia, but sometimes, we act like an animal :D
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